


i hear you call my name (and it feels like home)

by LMoriarty



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Episode: s01e01 Disorientation, F/F, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Mind Link, Pre-Season/Series 01, Season/Series 01, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 07:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LMoriarty/pseuds/LMoriarty
Summary: There was a girl inside herhead, thinking things that were not her thoughts— it was an invasion of privacy, an invasion of hermind; far worse than anything Maman had ever done to her. Far worse than anything Carmilla had dreamt about doing in return.Dreams, after all, were futile things. Helpless, miserable,garbagethings that Carmilla needed to get rid of, needed to destroy. Dreams had no place in her.Mysterious voices, apparently, did.





	i hear you call my name (and it feels like home)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ThatAloneOne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatAloneOne/gifts).



> this is a bday present for the loml!! when was her birthday, you ask? well. may 20th. why are you posting it in december then, you wonder? because i am an incompetent fool.

Carmilla Karnstein was losing her mind. 

She didn't really notice, at first. There were these— whispers, she supposed, in the beginning. Quiet, then even quieter.  
  
Just a ghost of a thing.  
  
Just a ghost of a _voice_.  
  
Because it _was_ a voice. A girl's voice; that became clear as it progressed, as the years passed. As her mental state deteriorated, perhaps. There was a girl inside her _head_ , thinking things that were not her thoughts— it was an invasion of privacy, an invasion of her _mind_ ; far worse than anything Maman had ever done to her. Far worse than anything Carmilla had dreamt about doing in return.

Dreams, after all, were futile things. Helpless, miserable, _garbage_ things that Carmilla needed to get rid of, needed to destroy. Dreams had no place in her.  
  
Mysterious voices, apparently, did.  
  
It took a lot of time for it to develop. Long enough that Carmilla wasn't really aware it was happening until it was fully fledged. The faintest of whispers turned into quiet mumbles turned into what, at the time, she dismissed as her enhanced hearing picking up on faraway comments.  
  
They were _not_ faraway comments.  
  
Sixteen years in, that became abundantly clear. Sixteen years in, those faint tendrils solidified into something strong, something sturdy—

Sixteen years in, the person in her mind said: **I think I'm gay.**

It was an awful, fitting thing to hear. Awful, because Carmilla still _ached_ from the loss of Ell; still woke up with her name on her lips, still _hated_ so strongly the outcome of their relationship. Fitting, because Ell was a _girl_ , and Carmilla _understood_. Understood so much, in fact, that she had a crazy, impossible idea.  
  
And she thought back:  
  
**Me too.** ****  
  
Carmilla waited, and waited, and waited, but she never received a reply. If nothing else, it solidified that she was most definitely losing her mind. The fact that she had even _attempted_ to respond was— was—  
  
"Mircalla, dear," Maman said, and Carmilla turned, good little soldier that she was. "We're going to take another girl tonight. Understood?"  
  
She nodded. "Understood, Maman."  
  
Carmilla supposed it was possible that she made the whole thing up, that there hadn't been a voice, that it was just her _subconscious_. It'd make more sense than the alternative: that there was an _actual person_ talking to her inside her mind. But she hoped— no, no, Carmilla hadn't hoped for anything in so very long, no, she _wanted_ it to be the latter.  
  
Wanted it very, very much.  
  
"Lovely," said Maman, clapping her hands together. Carmilla flinched, though she did her best to pretend she hadn't. "I'll be seeing you soon, then, Mircalla. Be sure not to disappoint me."  
  
But when had what she wanted ever mattered?  
  
Maybe, a long time ago, it had; when she was just a child, a tiny human girl with bright eyes and a wide smile. But Carmilla couldn't remember the last time she'd been that girl. It must've been centuries ago. At any rate, her wants certainly didn't matter _now_. They most definitely didn't matter to _Maman_ , who she carefully watched leave the room.  
  
But perhaps to this girl—  
  
Except there was no girl. There couldn't be. People didn't just... hear voices. Actual, living people's voices. If this girl was anything at all, she was a figment of Carmilla's imagination.  
  
A _gay_ figment of Carmilla's imagination.  
  
She supposed it was ironic, even though it hurt. A girl inside her head saying _I think I'm gay_ , when Carmilla could no longer announce the same, not anywhere near Maman. Ell's fate hadn't just been punishment for wanting to leave. It was a statement.  
  
As much as it was murder, it was also a hate crime.  
  
Carmilla sighed quietly to herself, arms crossed over her chest. Clearly, there was not going to be a response. _Clearly,_  the entire thing never happened in the first place. "Time to find a new sacrifice," she muttered to herself, only sounding _slightly_ miserable, which she had to admit was an improvement. Carmilla knew what she had really meant — _time to find another poor girl to slaughter_ — and she _hated_ it, truly she did, but she didn't have a choice. Not really. Not in any way that mattered.

Nobody could disobey Maman without consequences, and unfortunately, Carmilla knew all too well that nothing was worth that pain.

Flipping her hair over her shoulder — more for show than because she needed it out of her way, even though nobody was around to see her do it — Carmilla squared her shoulders and, putting one foot in front of the other, began to saunter out of the room. Regardless of her dreams to get away from Maman's influence, Carmilla knew it would never become a reality, knew that she'd never even dare go against her. She was too powerful, too controlling, too—  
  
Brilliant.  
  
Maman knew best, after all. Isn't that how the saying went? It was true. **Awfully, fittingly true.** ****  
  
**What is?**

Carmilla froze, both mentally and physically. Her body came to a crashing halt just as much as her brain did; her foot caught on a rug, and if it weren't for her vampiric abilities, she would've face-planted into the floor. "No," she whispered, only half aware she was saying it out loud. No. There was no way. It just wasn't possible. It couldn't be. It _couldn't be_.  
  
**Awfully, fittingly true is such a strange description. Why did I think that?**

She swallowed. If this was real— if this girl was _real_ —  
  
**You didn't** , tried Carmilla. She pictured sending the thought towards the girl — imagined the thought as a basketball and the girl’s mind as the… end zone? — even though from the sounds of it the girl hadn't done the same to her. All the stories Carmilla had read involving telepathy described it happening like that, though, and if telepathy was _real_ then perhaps that was actually how it worked. If nothing else, it was worth a try, even if Carmilla _had_ just sent a thought despite _not_ trying to. **I did.** ****  
  
She held her breath for a beat. Two.

There was no response.

Maybe it was because the girl was surprised by the voice suddenly talking in her head. It was certainly plausible. Or maybe it simply… hadn’t worked. It was hard to tell which one it was.

Carmilla tried again. Her eyes flickered shut, body stilling. **You didn’t** , she thought once more, forgoing the imagery this time around. **I did.** Instead of attempting to send it like some sort of email or using a probably incorrect sports metaphor, she just… thought what she had to think, and let it hover in her mind. Now that she was paying attention, Carmilla could easily tell the difference between this attempt and the last two. As strange as it sounded, it was almost as if she could _feel_ the girl receiving it, processing it, _replying_ to it.

**Who are you?**

Even within the confines of their minds, the girl managed to sound suspicious. Carmilla had been expecting fear or confusion and, unexpectedly delighted, she laughed, the sound slipping out before she could stop herself. She slammed a hand over her mouth to muffle the noise, cautiously glancing around to see if Maman had returned.  
  
She hadn't. Thank god.

 **I'm…** Carmilla stopped, unsure how to respond. She could say her name. She probably was supposed to, though what name? Mircalla or Carmilla? And in a way, the question went deeper than that. Who _was_ she? A girl, a woman? A monster?  
  
She didn't know the answer.  
  
Not anymore.  
  
**I'm Carmilla** , she sent, finally. This was actually happening. _Was_ this actually happening? It could technically be a dream, or some sort of hallucination, though it certainly _felt_ real.  **Who are you?** ****  
  
Carmilla’s heart seemed to skip a beat, though she didn't know how, or why. Vampires didn't need to breathe, yet her lungs tightened uncomfortably at the sensation. Perhaps this… bond, whatever it was, wasn't restricted to merely hearing thoughts, but also feeling emotions. It could come in handy, she supposed, being able to feel this girl’s emotions as they talked. It would most definitely make interactions easier, but the thought made Carmilla queasy.

It was bad enough having _Maman_ in her mind, let alone a complete stranger.

 **Laura. Laura Hollis.** She had a nice voice, Carmilla noted, or at least had a nice _mental_ voice. **I just, ah. Is this— are** **_you_ ** **— am I going insane? Because. You... sound like a person. I mean, you sound like a** **_real_ ** **person, only you're in my head, and... that shouldn't. Be possible? So.**

Carmilla sank into a chair, even though she knew Maman would be mad if she caught her. Laura had certainly gotten the hang of this fast. **I don’t know if** **_you're_ ** **real… but** **_I_ ** **certainly am. Mircalla Von Karnstein, at your service.** Her fingers twitched, as if itching to pull down a hat’s rim.

There was a long pause.

**You said your name was Carmilla.**

She winced. **It is.**

Emotions flooded through her, fast as lighting, even faster. The most notable was intrigue, though suspicion was close behind. As annoying as it was, part of Carmilla was pleased; it had been so long since anyone apart from Maman or her siblings had been suspicious of her, what with the way her pretty face seemed to make everyone _human_ trust her. **Then why—?**

There were a few different answers to that question, but it really was far too soon to be spilling the beans on the whole vampire thing. **I was born Mircalla. Now I call myself Carmilla. Relax.**

There weren't really words capable of accurately describing the sensation, but it was almost as if Carmilla could _feel_ Laura calm down. It wasn't just emotions shifting, though that was part of it. It was… more than that, somehow. Carmilla _really_ didn't know how to explain it, if that pitiful attempt was the best she could do. **Oh, okay**.

Carmilla glanced across the room, eyes lingering on a clock. If she wanted to find a girl to sacrifice for Maman, she really needed to be going.

Christ, _find another girl to sacrifice_? Carmilla had clung to her morals the best she could when she lost her humanity, but clearly her grip hadn’t been tight enough. She… knew that already, technically — the girl she used to be would never have gone along with any of Maman’s orders — but she'd been doing so well avoiding the pain of that realization. Until now. Until _Laura_ , who was making her _think_ about things even after just a few minutes of communicating.

The thing was, it _did_ hurt. The blind obedience, the shifting personalities, the constant fear— it _ached_ , having to pretend that she was okay, that _this_ was okay.

Not enough to say no. Not enough to leave.

But it _did_ hurt.

 **I have to go** , she told the girl. **I’ll talk to you later.**

 **Oh. Oh, wow, what** **_was_ ** **that? It was like I could feel your emotions— that's so cool, oh my gosh. Can you feel** **_my_ ** **emotions?** Carmilla tensed. She didn't know what precisely had gotten through to Laura, but considering her thoughts, she was sure it was nothing good. **Only, hm, not to like… upset you or anything, but. Is there a** **_reason_ ** **you just felt really, well, anxious? And sort of, um… scared? And like, guilty and I think a bit terrified and—**

Carmilla frowned. She really hoped this telepathy thing was only temporary. **Okay, I get it**.

**Sorry, that was invasive, wasn’t it? And none of my business! But, are you okay? I know we don't know each other or anything like, at all, and I still don't know what the heck is happening right now, but… I’m here for you? If you ever need to talk to someone.**

Was it really _that_ easy for Laura to accept someone? Five minutes into a conversation — worse, a _telepathic_ conversation — and she was already offering a shoulder to lean on. It was… insane. Completely crazy. Perhaps the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.

The worst part was that, maybe, just maybe— this was _normal_. For people to be this accepting, this _kind_. Maybe it was _Maman_ who was cruel, not Laura who was ambitiously and unambiguously lovely.

Except, no. Maman had saved her, taken her in, cared for her. Laura was just… nice.

It had to be that. Because if it wasn’t— if it _wasn’t_ —

**Carmilla? You still there?**

**I have to go** , she sent, again. But should she really end it like that, when Laura was being so… hm. Open? Kind? Or better yet, _human_. That was a good word for it, Carmilla supposed. Should she really end the conversation that abruptly, that rudely, when Laura was being so _human_?

Probably not.

She sighed. **Laura?**

**Yes?**

Carmilla grimaced, knowing she had to swallow her pride. **Thanks.**

She was immediately engulfed in the feeling of what could only be described as _warmth_. **You don't need to** **_thank_ ** **me, Carm. It's not a big deal.**

Yes it is.

 **Yeah, you're right. Still, though. Thanks.** She rubbed her hands on her sides, palms unexpectedly sweaty. Carmilla wasn't sure if that was because _she_ was nervous or because _Laura_ was, which was an awful thought to have. She hated feelings, and Laura— well, she clearly loved them. It was revolting. **Leaving now. Bye.**

**I’d say talk to you later, but I’m pretty sure this is a dream. Bye!**

Carmilla finally left, laughing as she did. Laura’s reaction in the morning when the connection was — probably — still there would be fantastic. She’d say she couldn't wait, except for the fact that that it meant the connection would _still be there_. She had to admit, she wasn't looking forward to that part.

It wasn't just that Carmilla didn't like the invasion, though that was certainly part of it. Knowing that anyone, even someone as kind as Laura appeared to be, was inside her head, hearing her thoughts, feeling her _emotions_ was… perhaps the worst thing that could ever happen to her. Carmilla valued her privacy for thousands of reasons, but the way Maman used people’s humanity against themselves—

She didn't want that to happen to her.

And though Laura _seemed_ nice, that didn't mean she was. Maman seemed nice, sometimes, too— but she wasn't. Deep inside the confines of her mind, Carmilla could admit that.

Maman was fucking _terrifying._

And Carmilla had a girl to find.

* * *

In the end, it was easy enough to pick a sacrifice; Maman had never been particularly picky, so long as their heart still worked. The entire endeavour took less than an hour, perhaps even less than thirty minutes. 

When she finished, the connection was unfortunately still there. It was still there that night, still there in the morning, still there the next day, and the next.

She hadn't attempted to contact Laura again, but she could almost… feel her. Not physically, not with her hands, but it was like there was a constant tingle at the back of her mind, reminding her of Laura’s presence whenever she came close to forgetting. That didn't even take into consideration her new ability to feel Laura’s _emotions_.

She felt ecstatic when she had no reason to even feel happy, and terrified when there was nothing happening around her. Carmilla knew what that meant, but the thought of reaching out, of _checking_ on Laura… she couldn't bring herself to do it. Commenting on what she heard, on what she _felt_ , seemed even worse than hearing or feeling it in the first place. At least with radio silence Carmilla could act like she wasn't in anyone’s head — that nobody was in _her_ head — even if she knew it wasn’t true.

Laura, apparently, disagreed.

 **Hi Carmilla** , she received, and Carmilla ended up falling out of bed. She grimaced, pulling herself up off of the floor. _Great._ **I was waiting for you to start a conversation because you seemed really upset about this, but then you** **_didn’t_ ** **start a conversation and it's been a few days and this is** **_still here_ ** **which means it's** **_not_ ** **a dream, and—**

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

**Slow down, Laura.**

**Oh. Sorry. I guess what I’m trying to say is… you're rather accepting of the fact that I’m just like,** **_in your mind_** **. Did you know— is this norm— ack, I just have so many questions. Um. Number one. Let's go with… why aren't you freaking out?**

 **I am** , replied Carmilla. **This is quite possibly the worst thing that's ever happened to me.** She was flooded with— fuck, was that _hurt_? Did that actually _hurt_ Laura? Come _on_. **Chill. I didn't say** **_you_ ** **were, Laura. But this… connection, the telepathy, the** **_empath_** ** _y_ — it's not fun for me. **

The hurt lessened, then increased tenfold. **I can… try to stop? If you want?**

Carmilla sighed. She’d _love_ it if Laura stopped, but this girl seemed so _young_ —

Wait.

**How old are you?**

Maybe she just _sounded_ young for her age. Maybe she was eighteen, or nineteen, or twenty. Maybe she was a vampire, too, and that's why she came across the way she did. Carmilla was a couple hundred years old, even though she, for the most part, still sounded and acted nineteen, so _maybe_ —

**Me? Oh, did I never say? I’m sixteen.**

Oh for _fuck’s_ sake. Laura was a _child_.

Carmilla sighed, again. **Okay. Okay, no, you don't have to… stop. It's fine. We’re fine.**

She paused. It was very likely that there would never be a good opportunity to ask, and if _Laura_ got to have her questions answered, then—

**Do you want to make a deal?**

Suspicion, again. Laura was such a suspicious child. **What kind of deal?**

 **I answer all your questions and in exchange I ask** **_you_ ** **something that's been on my mind for a period of time.**

**...Okay. Deal.**

Carmilla would never get a good segue to bring up what she wanted to ask so _perhaps_ she just needed to go for it. **My question first, then. The initial reveal of our, ah… mind link, happened when I heard someone admit they might be gay.**

After a brief period of time where Carmilla did her best to not think about the mind link, she'd quickly delved into trying to figure out _why_ it happened, which ultimately brought her mind back to how it came to her intention. _I think I'm gay_ , said a girl, said _Laura_. It had been her voice— Carmilla was positive.

There was a pause in which Carmilla tried to determine what to say next, but it didn't last long, because Laura — heart _racing_ , shit, she felt so _afraid_ — broke the silence with a quiet, **I don’t know what you're talking about.**

Carmilla understood the urge to lie. When Ell had revealed their relationship, when she had betrayed her, but also before that when they were happy and in love— she never would've confessed. Never, _ever_ would Carmilla have admitted what they were. Not because she was ashamed, because that's probably the only thing she _hasn’t_ been ashamed of, but because she was _scared._

She had a right to be scared, considering the way Maman reacted, but regardless… everyone was scared, when it came to coming out. Her, then, and Laura, now. It made sense, it was understandable—

But also it was sort of breaking Carmilla’s heart.

Carmilla wasn't a good person, per se. Not really, and certainly not anymore. But from what she could tell, and that admittedly wasn't much, Laura _was_ a good person. She didn’t deserve any of this heartache, this pain, even if her family ended up being completely accepting, and Jesus _fuck_ Carmilla hoped they would be.

 _Her_ family had not.

It had been bad enough just thinking to herself that maybe, possibly, she was a lesbian. Telling other people — even Ell — were some of the most terrifying moments of her life, and tragically, also some of the most regretted. There were a lot of people, Maman included, that she wished with everything she had _didn't_ know.

(But her wishes meant nothing. They solved nothing. That hadn't changed, even with a new mind link and accompanying emotions fucking her up.)

 **I don't want to upset you, Laura** , she replied, finally, **but it was your voice. I know it was your voice.**

**No it wasn't. It wasn't. I’m not— I’m not a—**

Her response was far too fast to be true. The _emotions_ Carmilla was being bombarded with only further proved that. She could let it play out, let Laura get it out of her system, but she had a feeling Laura would hate herself if she finished that sentence.

**Well, if you change your mind… I am.**

Laura went dead silent, which Carmilla expected. She counted down in her head. Five, four, three, two, o—

 **You** **_are_** **?**

Right on time.

 **I am** , Carmilla confirmed. It was difficult to think, though very much worth it if it brought even an _iota_ of comfort to Laura, and— oh, come _on_. When the fuck had she gotten _attached_? That was _such_ bullshit, and she couldn't even fume over the realization, because Laura was a _child_ and Carmilla was an _adult_ and that would be unacceptable. **And if you need someone to talk to about this, we** **_do_ ** **have a handy little mental link.**

 **Oh.** **_Oh_** **, okay, so— um. I am. Gay. I’m… gay. Super. Super gay. Big ol’ lesbian over here—**

She frowned, despite herself. **Laura, you don't need to— you shouldn't— ugh.** Emotions were difficult. Teenagers were worse. **Throwing yourself in headfirst really isn't the way to go about doing this.** **_Especially_ ** **when a minute ago you were unwilling to admit you were gay. It's okay to take it one step at a time.**

 **It’s not that I’m unwilling to admit it** , Laura thought, eventually. She sounded — and felt — nervous. Anxious. Certainly afraid; Carmilla knew that feeling well. **Because… I know. I** **_know_** **. But— my dad, he’s always talked about walking me down the aisle, and watching me raise a child, and I don't want to disappoint him. I** **_can’t_** **. I’m all he has left.**

 **You can get married and have kids with another woman** , Carmilla told her. She would've, with Ell. If it had been an option. If she hadn’t turned on her. Fuck, maybe just if she hadn't _died_ ; Carmilla had been so desperate for love she'd probably have forgiven her for the betrayal, had she just _survived_. **It might be harder. People will be assholes. But it is possible, if that's what you want to do. You won't disappoint your dad.** She doubted Laura ever could; despite her anxiety, it really sounded like he loved Laura, which Carmilla knew she couldn't say about Maman.

Laura didn't reply at first, which Carmilla could understand. When she first realized she was gay, she had been a wreck. **I need to go, but… thank you. For that. I still have a ton of questions about the telepathy itself, but maybe we can do that later? Because… I need to go. But. Yeah. Thanks.**

 **Before you go** , Carmilla cut in, **I have to say something. I meant everything that I just told you, but I need you to know that it's** **_also_ ** **okay to not tell anyone. If you think they’ll be rude or react badly, if you think the reaction will be anything but phenomenal— you don't ever have to tell anyone that you're gay.**

**I know.**

Carmilla relaxed. **Okay. Good.**

* * *

Time passed relatively fast, after they both figured out how to use the connection. They didn't talk a lot, mainly because they found out they didn't need to. Carmilla could feel Laura’s emotions and Laura’s could feel hers, which really told each other everything they needed to know. 

There were other reasons, too. Of course there were.

Laura was just a kid, whereas Carmilla was… old. Tired. Bitter. A vampire, which was a secret she still didn't feel like revealing. Laura didn't need a friend like her, when she could be friends with people her age, or with people who were actually kind. Despite her attempt to make Laura feel better about her sexuality — and despite her irritating realization that, somehow, despite minimal contact and only a few days time, Carmilla started to _like_ Laura — Carmilla was still furious about the intrusion.

They had talked at least once since, where Carmilla had answered a couple of Laura’s questions, but Laura had gotten frustrated with how vague the answers were. It was an understandable reaction, to be frank. Carmilla didn't feel like touching the vampire thing yet, so she couldn't bring up her knowledge of the supernatural, and— let's be honest. Carmilla _didn’t_ know why or how the mind link happened.

After that disaster, they hadn’t really spoken since. There was the occasional good morning or good night, sometimes a check in depending on how strong or negative emotions got, but otherwise it was radio silence. Mostly. Verbal radio silence, at least, since the emotions never went away.

It wasn't long until a month had passed, then five, then twelve. Carmilla didn't know when Laura’s birthday was or wasn't, but when there was a strong spike of love and happiness she sent a tentative: **Happy Birthday?**

Laura hadn’t replied immediately, but eventually said, **Thanks! Officially seventeen!**

It pretty much went back to silence after that. Carmilla… was almost sad, actually, but couldn't bring herself to say anything to Laura. Even disregarding the fact that she was a _literal child_ , Carmilla was well aware she was a hot ass mess, and Laura really didn't need that in her life. It was, full disclosure, admittedly a huge inconvenience that the mind link was _still there_ even a year later.

Even a year and a half later.

Even—

Carmilla stumbled, nearly collapsing to the floor. Laura's emotions hit her like a bullet, condensed and tightly packed but no less devastating. Her hands hit a table, which she used to stop herself from falling all the way down, though it had the unfortunate effect of breaking the table entirely.

 **Laura?** she sent, her own heart racing. That was a whole lot of fear. **Laura, I need you to answer me. Laura. Laura!**

She didn't know where she lived. She had no clue how to find her, no way to _save_ her if something actually was wrong. There was nothing Carmilla could _do_ and that _terrified_ her.

 **Laura I swear to** **_fucking_ ** **god that if you die right now I’m going to** **_murder_ ** **you.**

She was just a kid. She was _seventeen_ , had barely lived at all—

**You can't do this to me. Laura, please, if you die— if anything happens to you— I need you to be okay. Please, come on, you need to answer. I need you to answer. I need you to be okay, please, god, please. You're just a kid. You can't—**

Was Carmilla dreaming? Was this all an awful nightmare? She was sure she’d had nightmares like this before, but if it _wasn’t_ , if it was _real_ — if something happened to Laura — Carmilla would lose her mind. Laura had, despite the intrusion, despite how much she _despised_ the link, given her hope; she made her feel like there was a _point_ to all of her misery, like there was some kind of _end goal._

 **Laura, I am** **_begging_ ** **you—**

 **I’m okay.** Relief flooded her, twice as strong as normal. It took Carmilla a second to realize that half of it was coming from _Laura_ , and within that second she’d already collapsed into a nearby chair, no longer able to stand. **I’m— I’m** **_so_ ** **sorry for worrying you, and for not replying; especially for that. But… I just told my dad. That I’m a lesbian.**

Carmilla hoped the relief was an indicator of his reaction, but knew she couldn't just leave it to a guess. **How did he react?**

 **He said, uh, “Thank god you finally said it”, and then told me I “better find a girl who deserves” me. He… knew, I guess, in advance. I guess I wasn't very good at hiding it. I’m just… I’m really glad he didn't react badly. Not that I thought he would! You know? But I was afraid. And I thought maybe he’d do that thing that parents do, where they’re like ‘Oh, don't worry, I love you** **_anyway_ ** **’ or whatever bullshit and it's like. No? That's not what you're supposed to say. Or even just like ‘I always knew’. I don't want to hear that when it was so hard for me to say it. But he was just… relieved and thankful and** **_happy_ ** **and— ack! I love him!**

Carmilla smiled, even though it hurt a little. How _desperately_ had she hoped for that reaction? How many times had she prayed to something she didn't actually believe in, _begging_ Maman to understand, to accept her? Not that it mattered, of course. Maman hadn’t, but more importantly, her struggles didn't matter to _Laura_. Because she got the reaction she wanted, the reaction she _deserved_ — and that's the important part. That's the part she needed to focus on.

Not the bit from over a hundred years ago.

 **I’m glad** , Carmilla sent. **That you told him, and that he reacted the way he did. I’m really happy for you, Laura.**  

There was a lull, which she used to pull herself together. She didn't know what to do about the broken table, but she could at least stand now. That was a step up from the state she'd been in a minute prior. 

Maman would be mad, probably. It had been a nice table — presumably an antique, likely worth a lot of money, since she wouldn't accept anything else — but if Carmilla promised to devote more time to their efforts… well, maybe she’d forgive her. Or she’d punish her, which Carmilla was at least somewhat afraid of. Though, for Laura? She supposed it would be worth it.

**Can I ask you a question?**

Carmilla prepared herself, expecting to be asked about her own family's response. **Of course.**

She was wrong.

 **Are you going to shut me out again?** A second passed, then two. Carmilla… hadn’t been ready for that, and was struggling to come up with a coherent answer. **Cause, like. I get it. This… bothers you, probably because of something that happened to you. Or something. I don't know. But… I understand. If you are. And I forgive you, if that's something you need to hear, not that there's anything to forgive. I just need to know.**

It had been over a year since they last had a legitimate conversation, one that resembled anything like this one. That should have been more than enough time for Carmilla to _get over herself_ , to rationalize and accept Laura’s presence, to be _okay_. But—

It hadn't been. Or, it had been, and she just hadn't _succeeded._

Carmilla really liked Laura. There was no denying that. She _cared_ about her, and desperately wanted them to keep talking. To hear about her day, her classes; even help her with homework if she needed, though Laura was smart and probably didn't need help. She _wanted_ that as much as she had wanted a life with Ell— incredibly so, with everything she had in her, but never quite _enough_.

 **Yes** , she said. **I’m sorry, Laura. You have no idea how much I don't want to. But, yes.**

Carmilla waited for a reply. She was sure that Laura would want to say goodbye, that despite the hurt she was feeling she’d want some sort of closure until the next time they spoke, probably another year away.

But it never came.

And rather than send another message, Carmilla let it go.

She was disappointed, but that was okay, because soon Carmilla _would_ be able to talk to her. Soon she’d get over whatever issues she had and she'd be able to be Laura’s _friend_ , for real. Soon.

_Soon._

* * *

When Carmilla woke up the next morning, she didn't realize anything was wrong at first. She felt _different_ , yes, but couldn't pinpoint why. She contributed it to a poor sleep, or just being upset over Laura, or— something. Something that wasn't the truth.

It was halfway through the day when it finally hit her.

She couldn't feel Laura.

Her emotions were gone. Her thoughts, gone. The link, _gone_.

Carmilla tried to use it anyway. Sent message after message, anxiously trying to reach Laura, though she always knew it wouldn't work. She could sense when something got through, and now— now there was nothing for the messages to even _get_ through. It was over.

It was done.

That didn't stop Carmilla from trying to reach her, day after day, week after week. Year after year. She attempted to send a birthday message when she turned eighteen, and another when she would've turned nineteen. She attempted to send a message when Laura would presumably have graduated high school, when she would've gotten into university.

That didn't stop Carmilla from _missing_ her.

But, despite her refusal to let it go… she did move on. Not in any sort of legitimate way, but she went back to following Maman’s orders without remorse, let that piece of hope Laura had inspired die away just like their bond had.

She let everything _go_. Took girls with remorse, sacrificed them without remorse, interrogated others without remorse, figured out what the _fuck_ was up with everyone losing their period without remorse, god, what was _up_ with that Fairy Queen? _You shall meet your match: an annoying shrill of a girl, one who truly challenges you._

Carmilla has already found that girl. Had already _lost_ that girl.

It was cute of her to think otherwise, but Carmilla knew the truth. The end goal Laura had made her think of? The fucking _point?_ That was supposed to have been _Laura_.

And she was _gone_.

There was no point pretending she'd ever get a happy ending. There was a reason Carmilla had turned to the camera and said, “Did you hear that, mother? My match? Please. Not on your watch.” There was a reason the link showed up, and a reason why it vanished. It appeared when Laura needed her, or at least needed _someone_ , some kind of guidance— and it left when she _didn’t_. It left when _Carmilla_ was no longer needed.

When _Laura_ no longer needed her.

It hurt, but it was _true._ Carmilla had ruined it, ruined _everything._ It all ended because of _her._

At least it made Maman happy. She had noticed Carmilla slowly slipping away, and had been all too pleased when that abruptly ended and Carmilla went right back to her side, obedient little soldier that she was. If Carmilla hadn't known better (it was _her fault_ , it was all gone because of _her_ ), she might've thought Maman had figured out what was happening and had put an end to it.

She lost herself in the easiness of everything. There was a time when kidnapping and killing girls had upset her, but after Laura, her resentment and frustration faded away to nothing. She just couldn't be _bothered_ anymore, couldn't bring herself to care about some stupid girl named Betty when the only person who had ever _cared_ about her (Laura, Laura, _Laura_ ) was _gone_.

Before, she might have complained about this assignment, about having to room with some loser to make sure she didn't look into Betty’s disappearance. Now… it'd just be a waste of time. Nothing mattered anymore, so why not do it? It's not as if the girl would uncover anything. She would never be inquisitive and charming and _kind_ like Laura would’ve been.

"God, why didn't I keep better track of her?" her new roommate wondered, voice loud enough that she probably would've heard it even without  vampire hearing. "What the hell happened last night?"

Carmilla froze. She _knew_ that voice. Could it be possible—?

She swung the door open, aiming for nonchalance but coming dangerously short. “Hey,” she said, and pretended her voice didn’t come out strangled. Carmilla let her bag slip from her fingers, crossing the room to her— Betty’s— _her_ bed. She needed to hear it again.

She needed to be _sure_.

“Um, excuse me, but who the hell are you?”

The girl was attractive, to say the least. She looked a teeny bit like Ell, which she tried to ignore, because holy shit, that _voice_ . Maybe she was just going crazy, but— what if—? Carmilla turned to face her. “Carmilla,” she said, and watched with glee as the girl's eyes widened. She _knew_ it. “I’m your new roommate, sweetheart.”

She kicked her feet up on the bed, even though she still had her shoes on. Carmilla grinned, teeth sharp but not dangerous, not to _her_.

“How have you been, Laura?”

It felt like destiny, like fate. Like a prophecy by a Fairy Queen come true.

It felt like an end goal.

It felt like _home._

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr (if it still exists lol) @ laniemoriarty


End file.
